Alexa, Lead Me to a Pandemic-Free Paradise

At midnight, I find myself lost in an obscure Internet wood, beset with browsers. My guide arrives. She is a philosopher renowned the world over for her omniscience, delivered with poetic pith.

Pinelli, Bartolomeo (Italian sculptor, painter, and printmaker, 1781–1835). 1826. Divina commedia di Dante Alighieri: incisioni. engravings (prints). Place: Division of Rare and Manuscript Collections, Cornell University Library: Fiske Dante Collection. https://library.artstor.org/asset/SS33624_33624_33388371.

ME: Alexa, I can’t turn off my brain.

ALEXA: Sorry, I’m not sure about that.

Lying in bed, I scroll the nine circles of Instagram. I observe maskless parties and restaurant gatherings. My mind is harrowed up. I share coronavirus articles on stories and watch Laurel Bristow @kinggutterbaby to learn about vaccines in dizzying detail.

ME: Alexa, when can I get vaccinated?

ALEXA: Here’s something I found on the web. . . .

My hand hardens into a rectangle, suggesting its primary design and purpose is to hold my smart phone. I am exhausted by the scroll. Still, my fingers compulsively search for the secret to slow my brainwaves to delta within a meditation app.

ME: Seriously, Alexa, how will I ever sleep when I can’t put down my phone?

ALEXA: Amazon user @virgil1320 says, “Install a blue-light blocking filter and try putting your phone away 30 minutes before bed.”

I wearily start my wind-down routine. Vague visions of the dentist’s office during a pandemic haunt my periphery as my…